A/N: Throughout this story wehave borrowed bits of dialogue and situations from other works besidesPOA. In this chapter, we owe apologies to the following: Star Wars,Shakespeare, Moonlighting, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, andpossibly a few others. We may also have taken one or two digs at J.K.Rowling, but it's all in the name of humor. We love her and the worldshe created for us to play in.
Harry Potter lay in bed playing with his wand. No,not that wand. The other wand. He missed his friends, particularly hisfriend Hermione Granger, the cleverest witch of her age. Summers weredreadful. He never seemed to know quite what to do with himself when hewasn't playing with his wand. He was a bit put out because Aunt Margewas coming to visit the next day. He hated Aunt Marge.
If only Hermione were here. She'd know what to do about Aunt Marge, Harry thought.
Unfortunately, without Hermione's guiding influence, Harry wound upblowing up his Aunt. He found himself on the street the next evening,sitting on the curb alone, wondering what he should do next.
"What would Hermione do?" he wondered.
Suddenly, the playground equipment began to move of its own accord inan ominous and vaguely threatening manner. Harry suddenly felt moreconfident. He had been in many similar situations with Hermione. It wasobviously time to panic. He began breathing heavily and whimpering(because, of course, Ron had frequently been along for the ride inthese situations, too). Lacking the ability to show any further emotionconvincingly, he quickly whipped out his invisibility cloak and hidbeneath it, thus completely missing the mangy, half-starved,not-very-large dog in the bushes. The dog shrugged and bounded away.
When Harry felt he had whimpered long enough, he decided it was time toadvance the plot. He stood up and fell backwards over his luggage.Nothing happened. Scratching his head, he looked skyward to find anorigami crane spiraling gracefully down towards him. It read:
You forgot to stick out your wand.
Love from,
Hermione
Harry unzipped his pants. Another crane appeared, this one squawkingand flapping in his face. It unfolded itself and howled in a boomingvoice:
NOT THAT WAND, STUPID! THE OTHER WAND!
"Oh," Harry muttered. "Well, I forgot to visit the loo before I left anyway."
When Harry finished his, ahem,business, he drew the proper wand out of his pocket and held it out.With a loud BANG, the Knight Bus appeared. The door slid open, andHarry was surprised and somewhat baffled to see a Shrunken Talking Headwith dreadlocks, singing.
"Letting the days go by, let thewater hold me down, letting the days go by, water flowing underground,"it sang. Then it noticed Harry. "Welcome to the islands, I mean, theKnight Bus, mon. Hop on board!"
"But...what happened to Stan?" Harry asked. "I thought he was supposed to be the conductor."
"Budget cuts mon," the Shrunken Talking Head said in a terribleJamaican accent. "His salary went towards the grasping corporatemonster also known as Industrial Light and Magic. Most of the realpeople have been replaced with CGI characters. Lucas is trying to fundthe next Star Wars film, you know. I've been promised a bit part asJar-Jar Binks's long lost cousin. Now get on, mon. We ain't got alldey."
Harry tossed his suitcase onto the Knight Bus. Afterbeing slammed around several times and experiencing molecularcompression at the quantum level, they arrived at the Leaky Cauldron,where Harry was greeted by the Hunch Back of Notre Dame.
"Good to see you again, Harry, good to see you," the Hunch Back said.
Harry looked around and wondered if he had somehow wandered into thewrong book. "Um, excuse me, but Joanne didn't mention the LeakyCauldron had changed owners."
"Harry, don't know you me?" the Hunch Back asked.
Harry squinted at him. "Tom, is that you? What happened?"
"I accidentally served Alfonso tea with cream and no sugar instead oftea with sugar and no cream. In return, I lost 30 IQ points and gaineda hump." "Be careful, Harry. I fear you're in grave danger. Now comealong. Minister Fudge is waiting."
Harry followed "Tom" up thestairs. They paused outside a great wooden door. Harry could hearmuffled voices from inside, arguing.
"No, no, no. No limegreen in my movie! It's not artistic--it's too damn cheery! It ruinsthe ambience. Take that costume away and bring me something in a nice,depressing charcoal."
Harry looked at Tom, whose arms were folded across his chest.
"Aren't we going inside?" Harry asked.
"Just a minute."
Finally a loud buzzer sounded on the other side of the door. Tompromptly opened it and ushered Harry inside, where they found MinisterFudge wearing a somber, grey pinstriped suit.
"Harry, you'llbe glad to know the Oompa Loompas located your Aunt Marge and rolledher to the pressing room. She'll have no memory of her ordeal, only afew stretch marks, but on a woman of her stature, who would notice afew extra?" the Minister said cheerily.
Tom stood in thebackground, loudly cracking nuts that nobody was going to eat. WhenHarry glanced over, Tom shrugged. "I don't know why. It was in thescript," he said by way of explanation.
Harry shrugged, and looked back at Minister Fudge. "Minister, aren't I going to be punished?"
"Ordinarily, Harry, you would have been sent to Azkaban, but we simplydon't have time. It's almost time for Hermione's grand entrance. Now,follow Tom upstairs. You'll be staying overnight."
"But whatthen?" Harry asked. "There's two weeks until school starts again, and Ijust can't go back to the Dursley's. Plus, I still need to purchase myschool things."
"Harry, don't be silly. Your books are waiting for you in your room, and I've arranged for school to begin day after tomorrow."
"How'd you manage that?" Harry asked.
"The same way I arrange for September First to fall on a Monday everyyear. It's best not to question these things, Harry. The less you knowabout such things, the better. Now run along." The minister shooed himaway.
Harry followed Tom up the stairs. After wrestling with ahuge, hairy book that resembled a tarantula with fangs, he fellimmediately asleep. He was awakened the next morning by a loud clatter.He turned over to find that Hedwig had smashed through the window,carrying in her claws a large birdcage, the door of which had obviouslybeen gnawed open. Harry smacked himself upside the head.
"Hedwig! I completely forgot I left you locked in your cage at the Dursleys'! Clever girl."
Hedwig whapped Harry upside the head with the birdcage, knocking himout cold. When he came to, he found her chasing an origami crane aboutthe room and screeching madly. Finally, she snapped her beak upon theunfortunate piece of paper and carried it to Harry.
"Thanks, girl. And I'm really sorry."
Hedwig flew to her perch, turned her back on Harry and began preening her feathers. Harry unfolded the origami crane. It read:
Harry,
You're going to be late for my grand entrance! Hurry up and get downstairs!
Love from,
Hermione
PS Make sure to brush your teeth, wear your green checked shirt, and for Pete's sake, comb your hair.
Harry quickly dressed and groomed himself as Hermione instructed, and then he walked downstairs.
Wow, it sure is bright in here, he thought. Guess Tom's been redecorating.
Suddenly, all of the patrons of the Leaky Cauldron halted theiractivities and gathered at the back of the room facing the door. Harrypaused on the stairs, wondering what was up. Slowly, the door opened toreveal Hermione Granger in all her perfectly coiffed glory. Around thepub, the patrons began clapping softly. Hermione took several bows,beaming brightly, then reached behind her and picked up the secondugliest cat in the world.*
"Hermione," Harry said, "where did you get this...thing?"
Ron Weasley stepped out of the crowd of applauding patrons. Harry hadn't even noticed he was present.
"That is Hermione's new, highly intelligent and butt-ugly cat,Crookshanks. It seems to have taken an immediate dislike to poorScabbers," Ron moaned miserably.
Ron would have said more, but Hermione interrupted.
"Ronald, Crookshanks likes Scabbers just fine, especiallysautéed with a little garlic. He's a cat. They eat rats,it's their nature. Besides, Crookshanks would probably be doing you afavor taking that decrepit old rat off your hands. I've always thoughtthere was something decidedly odd about it."
Hermionecontinued to babble. Harry, after wondering briefly when Hermione begancalling their best friend "Ronald", tuned her out completely and beganwandering around the pub greeting the rest of the Weasleys. Percy stuckout a hand for Harry to shake.
"'All right there, Percy?" Harry asked.
Percy held up a note card. It read:
Hi,Harry. I'm Head Boy this year. I'd love to tell you all about it, butmy lines have been deleted in order to devote more screen time toHermione. You shan't see me again, except for approximately thirtyseconds outside the Gryffindor common room three months from now duringa crisis that Hermione is obviously too busy to manage.
Percy beamed at Harry, who shrugged and moved on. He thought he caughta glimpse of Ginny, blushing madly and hiding behind a stone column.The twins passed a piece of news-parchment towards Harry, but it wastime for Hermione to speak again so he didn't have time to read it.
Hermione was nudging Mr. Weasley forward.
"Go on, tell him," she whispered.
"Well, if you're certain, Hermione," Mr. Weasley hedged, also whispering.
"Of course I'm certain. I'm the cleverest witch of my age. Besides, it's time to advance the plot."
"Very well." Mr. Weasley turned towards Harry and spoke in a normaltone. "Harry, come with me. There's something I must tell you."
Harry followed Mr. Weasley into a secluded corner of the Leaky Cauldron.
"Harry, you must promise me you won't go looking for Sirius Black."
"Who?" Harry asked.
"Sirius Black, the murderer who escaped from Azkaban Prison. He wants to kill you."
"But what about Voldemort?" Harry asked, puzzled.
"Oh, he's on vacation in Tortuga. He'll be back in the next book," Mr. Weasley assured him.
"Oh. But who is Sirius Black, and why does he want to kill me?" Harry wondered.
"Those kinds of details aren't important, Harry. Alfonso and Stevedecided there wasn't enough room for that much dialogue. Besides, theycouldn't figure out a way for Hermione to be the one to tell you. Afterall, she's a muggle-born and she's only thirteen. She doesn't knowbollocks about Sirius Black."
"Oh. Ok." Harry shrugged andwent about his business. He took a seat on the bench at the table witheveryone else to await further instructions from Hermione. The nextthing he knew, they were on the Hogwarts Express, wandering along thecorridor in search of a compartment.
"How did we get here?" he asked.
"Dunno," Ron replied. "I don't have any lines until a few minutes fromnow, when it's time to be comically frightened." He fell silent andfollowed Hermione obediently.
"Scene transition, Harry,"Hermione replied. "Oh, there's some really cute ones later on with theWhomping Willow. You know, Alfonso does seem to have an unusualfixation with that tree, not to mention an inexplicable vendettaagainst blue birds."
Hermione led them to the last availablecompartment, which was occupied by a sleeping stranger. Harry lookedaround behind them.
"Where is Ginny? And Neville?" he asked. "Shouldn't they sit with us?"
"Hermione can only share a scene with a maximum of three other persons," Ron whispered to Harry. "It's in her contract."
Harry briefly appeared puzzled. "That's going to make attending classes rather difficult, isn't it?"
"Oh, don't worry," Ron said. "We have a grand total of five classesthis entire year, and she only shows up halfway through each of them.We'll make do."
Hermione glared at Ron, who appeared chagrined and immediately fell silent once more, until Hermione elbowed him.
"Huh? Oh. Sorry. It's easy to miss your cues when all your dialogue hasbeen given away." Ron cleared his throat. "I wonder who that mysteriouslooking bloke is?" he pondered aloud in a stage whisper.
"That is Professor R. J. Lupin," Hermione replied in a knowing tone.
"How do you know?" Harry asked.
"It's written on his traveling case," Hermione replied. "Furthermore, I've just about decided he's a werewolf."
"Why on earth would you think that?" Harry asked.
Ron muttered something under his breath that sounded like "reading ahead in the script."
Hermione ignored him. "His shabby robes, his grey pallor coupled withthe fact that the full moon was last night, the mysterious scars acrosshis face, and the faint hint of wolfsbane potion in the air," she said,sniffing lightly.
"Hermione, that's bloody brilliant!" Harryexclaimed, completely in awe of his friend's deductive powers. Ronsnorted in disgust and started out the window as Harry continued. "Whatshould we do about it?"
"We should wait until a pivotal momentin the plot, where I shall then reveal to him that I have known hissecret all along and proceed to scream shrilly at him for havingbetrayed us all."
"Oh. If that's what you think is best, then," Harry said doubtfully.
"Trust me, Harry. I have it all figured out," Hermione assured him.
Just then, the train came to an abrupt halt, throwing Harry, Hermione and Ron to the floor in a great heap.
"Well this has all the makings of good trio-smut," Ron joked, leeringat Hermione. She smacked him on the arm as she disentangled herselffrom the two boys.
"I am NOT that kind of girl," she chided him.
"That's what YOU think," Ron replied.
Surprisingly, Professor R.J. Lupin was still sound asleep. In fact, hedidn't seem to have been disturbed by the sudden jolt in the slightest.Harry poked him once to be sure he wasn't actually dead. Then thelights went out.
"What's happening?" Harry asked. He heard muffled smacking noises coming from the bench across from him.
"Mmmf, no Ron, that's my foot. Aim a little higher."
More smacking noises.
"Hermione, can't you wear a front-clasp once in a while?" Ron complained.
"Hey!" Harry cried. "None of that, now! We're only thirteen!"
In the darkness, Harry could barely see the two figures across from him separating.
"Sorry," Hermione said sheepishly. "Just got a bit carried away, there." She elbowed Ron again.
"Huh? Oh. Um...." Ron paused, produced a thick sheaf of parchment fromthin air and consulted it briefly. "Leaky Cauldron...no, ah, here itis." Ron tucked the parchment away, then placed his hand against thewindow and stared out of it with a terrified expression. "There'ssomething m-m-moving out there," he announced in a quavering voice.
"Oh, Ronald!" Hermione cried, clutching at Ron's arm and jumping intohis lap. Ron rolled his eyes, then dutifully held Hermione to keep herfrom sliding to the floor.
Harry began shivering. "Who turned on the air conditioning?" he asked.
Professor R.J. Lupin was still sound asleep. As the children watched,ice began forming over the window. Then a shadow appeared at the doorto the compartment, and a bony, arthritic looking hand slid back thedoorway. A great, scary looking Thing draped in a tattered black sheet(which resembled a ghost costume Harry had worn for Halloween when hewas six) came strolling in.
"We're looking for Sirius Black," the Thing wheezed.
"He's not here. Go away!" Hermione shouted.
The Thing shrugged and looked at Harry. "Eh. You've got messy, black hair. You'll do."
The Thing pulled a hose out of it's robes, flipped a switch at the endand loomed ominously over Harry, holding the hose over Harry's mouth.Harry felt a great vacuum pulling the air out of his lungs.
"What do I do?" he screamed at Hermione. Though the words were muffled by the hose, Hermione had no trouble understanding him.
"Can you hear anything, Harry?" Hermione asked.
Harry listened carefully. From a great distance, he thought he detected a woman screaming. He nodded frantically at Hermione.
"Is it your mum?" Hermione asked excitedly.
Harry batted the hose away and looked at Hermione in exasperation."Hermione, my mum's dead. Has been for years. How the hell would I knowwhat she sounds like?"
"Search your heart, Harry. Those welove never really leave us," Hermione said in a heartfelt voice. Ronshot her a disgusted glance before cowering in fear once more.
Harry replaced the hose and listened again. Sure enough, Hermione wasright, as usual. It was indeed his mum screaming; Harry had no troublerecognizing her voice even though she wasn't saying anything, and eventhough Harry had been only one year old when she had been murdered. Henodded at Hermione again.
"Well, what are you waiting for, Harry? Pass out!" Hermione commanded.
So he did.
When Harry came to, Ron, Hermione, and the professor (who had finallywoken from his nap) were all watching him with expressions of deepconcern.
"What was that thing?" he asked.
"That was one of the dementors of Azkaban," Hermione intoned dramatically.
The professor cleared his throat sharply, and Hermione glanced over athim. He shook his head at her, and Hermione snapped her mouth shut,blushing slightly.
"That was one of the dementors of Azkaban," Professor Lupin intoned dramatically. "Here, have a chocolate. It helps."
"Chocolate? It felt like that thing was trying to suck out my soul. How the ruddy hell is chocolate going to help with that?"
"I find chocolate is the universal cure for anything that ails you,"Hermione said loftily. When Professor Lupin passed the candy bar toher, she snapped off a huge chunk, far more than her fair share. Whenher companions glared at her, she shrugged, as if to say, "So?"
Harry chomped on the chocolate, then asked with his mouthful. "How did we get away from the dementor?"
Ron rolled his eyes. "Hermione talked it to death." He pointed to ashriveled, black heap in a corner, which appeared to be the remains ofthe dementor.
"Oh. Ok," Harry said, nodding. He had no problembelieving that Hermione was fully capable of talking someone to death.She was, after all, the cleverest witch of her age and had been knownto drone on and on about subjects that even Professor Dumbledore seemedto know nothing about.
Harry suddenly found himself in acarriage. It was pouring down rain, but through the storm he could makeout a street sign that pointed one way to Hogwarts, and the other wayto Hogsmeade. Harry had no recollection of ever hearing Hogsmeade beingmentioned before. He wondered if it was a new housing development; theytend to spring up over night, after all. The next thing Harry knew, hewas sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. At the front ofthe room he could hear strains of beautiful music. When he leanedaround Ron to get a better view, he saw Hermione alone at the front ofthe Hall, holding a toad, singing three-part harmony by herself, whilethe toad appeared to be carrying the baseline.
Ron did a double take. "How'd she get up there? She was just sitting here a moment ago!" he exclaimed.
"Beats me," Harry replied. "I didn't even know she could sing. In fact,I was almost certain she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket."
"And since when do we have music before the feast, anyway?" Roncomplained. "I'm hungry. I've got bloody little else to do in thisproduction. The least they could do is let me eat."
Percyturned and glared at them, holding his finger to his mouth. Ron rolledhis eyes, but they listened to the rest of Hermione's recital quietly.When she finished, the room erupted in thunderous applause. Even theSlytherins were gazing raptly at the accomplished diva. Hermione bowedmodestly, handed the toad to Professor Flitwick, then took her seat atthe Gryffindor table.
Professor Dumbledore (at least, Harrythought it was Professor Dumbledore, his hair appeared to have changedfrom white to grey since Harry had seen him last) rose from his seatand shuffled up to a podium that practically hid the man from view.
"Where did that come from?" he whispered to Ron.
"The video game," Hermione whispered back before Ron could reply."Don't you remember? In the Chamber of Secrets video game, that podiumheld the spell books you found."
"He looks ridiculous behind it," Harry mumbled. Hermione didn't seem to agree, so Harry said nothing further.
At the podium, Dumbledore was happily snuffing and re-lighting candles,and appeared to be talking to himself. After several moments, he seemedto become aware that the entire student body was staring at himexpectantly.
"Oh. Good gracious, is it my turn? I waswaiting for Hermione. Well, then, let's get started." He paused amoment and took a deep breath. "I've come to wiveth wealthily inPadua," he began.
Behind him, Professor McGonagall hissed to get his attention. "Psst, wrong script!" she whispered.
"What? Oh. Dear me." He scratched his head in confusion, and thenstarted again. "Friends, Romans, country-men, lend me your ears."
Professor Snape shook his head and buried his face in his hands. "Wrongscript," he muttered, loudly enough for at least half of the room tohear.
"Horsefeathers. I know I've got it written down heresomewhere," Dumbledore mumbled as he rummaged around in his robes. "Ah,here it is." In one hand, he grasped a sheet of parchment. As thestudents looked on, he bent over and began fumbling about behind thepodium. When he straightened, he was holding a weathered looking skull.
"Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio!" Dumbledore's voice rang out triumphantly across the Great Hall.
To his utter astonishment, the entire student body called back in unison, "WRONG SCRIPT!"
"Oh, bloody hell!" Dumbledore furiously. He looked behind him and called out, "Line, please!"
Professor Flitwick crawled under the table and scooted over toDumbledore, who leaned down to listen as Flitwick whispered in his ear.
"Are you crackers? I would never say such a thing!" he exclaimed loudly.
Flitwick nodded and backed away. Dumbledore straightened and faced thestudents once again. "Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak?" he uttered in atimid voice.
The students looked around at each other, nodding and making noises of general assent.
"Wonderful. Now, I had some very touching remarks prepared aboutturning on lights in the dark, and warnings about dementors, but theyweren't that important anyway, and I'm cutting into Hermione's screentime. I'm hungry. Let's eat."
